Monday, December 15, 2008

The Other Election -- the new VGSA Presidential administration

With Barack Obama’s administration taking power in January 2009, the United States of America has its new leaders. However, though the story was overshadowed during the election season, the future leaders of the Video Game States of America (“VGSA”) were also recently elected (er . . . chosen unilaterally by me).

Often overlooked by the media and others who solely (and foolishly) concern themselves only with matters relevant to the tangible or “real” world, the VGSA—a large nation comprising an aggregate of all video game worlds—is in trouble. It is a highly diverse nation with many problems, including multiple wars, economic troubles, systematic glitches, monsters, and evil robots. It is a nation that needs leadership. But who among the VGSA is qualified to lead it through these troubles and the unforeseen troubles that lie ahead?

Well, the voters (er . . . me) have decided. Here are the members of the new administration voted to lead the VGSA through these trying times.


Mario – President

A leader in dozens of video games, Mario has proven himself to be able to adapt to the changing world and its many conflicts, rendering him a flexible champion of the people. Building on his defeat of Donkey Kong at a young age, Mario has repeatedly defeated such adversaries as Bowser, Bowser Jr., Magikoopa, and Count Bleck. He has proven his mettle as a platform-jumper, a water-squirting town cleaner, a coin-collector, a multi-sport athlete, and as a pipe-diver. Additionally, his roots as a plumber (albeit one not named Joe) clearly mean that he represents a symbol of the common man, and small business.

However, as some of his critics claimed during the campaign season, Mario’s alleged ties to communism may render him a risky choice to lead the VGSA. Similarly, his use of magic whistles and raccoon-costumes may demonstrate a lapse in judgment that lead some to question his readiness to lead. Others may take issue with him on moral grounds, due to his documented frequent use of mushrooms.

Finally, Mario’s lack of communication skills may harm him in foreign policy. His extremely limited vocabulary may limit his ability to effectively persuade his adversaries, leaving only jumping or attacking them with Fire Flowers as an alternative. However, Mario may mitigate this weakness through the use of varied fonts and text boxes.


Cloud – Vice President

As part of Mario’s Team of Rivals, Mario chose to incorporate his chief opponent as his Vice President, recognizing Cloud’s diverse strengths. This former Soldier carries with him the experience of having saved the world from complete annihilation. His leadership in the Jenova conflicts was brave, and his defeat of the dreaded Ruby Weapon, Emerald Weapon, and Diamond Weapon threats solidified his status as a military leader. His prowess in Chocobo raising demonstrates his patience, and his connection to the domestic homeland. He is a true military hero, with Chocobo farm values.

Furthermore, Cloud’s steadiness and persistence in acquiring gil demonstrate an economic conservatism that should help the Mario administration to make the VGSA economy grow and prosper. While it is true that much of Cloud’s gil was applied to weapon purchases in the past, his prudent investment in Chocobo farming, local inns, and various healing items show that he is capable of leading the VGSA into a balanced economic future.

Finally, Cloud has demonstrated an ability to unify and lead a diverse group of VGSAicans. He has demonstrated a history of reaching across the aisle to join with men, women, African-Americans, dogs, cats (or rather, cats-riding-mogs), and even the previously marginalized cape-wearing gun-wielding mechanical-claw-hand-having sort-of-vampire guys. This demonstrates that he may be the unifying presence that VGSA needs in these trying times.

However, it is worth noting that Cloud’s willingness to reach out to all has raised serious questions about him, and his readiness to lead the VGSA, during the campaign season. For example, it is without question that Cloud has relied upon numerous foreign deities to aid him, including Shiva, Ifrit, Odin, and Ramuh, just to name a few. This polytheism hurt him among religious voters. While Cloud argued that his long-held faith in Aerith and traditional Lifestream values demonstrated his true values, voters decided in the end that they were less comfortable with a leader who relies on foreign deities and things like Kjata during a conflict.

Furthermore, Cloud’s associations with known cape-wearing gun-wielding mechanical-claw-hand-having sort-of-vampire guys led some voters to question his judgment, and his forthrightness. The people of VGSA proved unwilling to support a president who pals around with cape-wearing gun-wielding mechanical-claw-hand-having sort-of-vampire guys. The significance of his ties to Soldier and Sephiroth, not to mention his curious relationship with the mysterious “Zack” remained unclear to many voters. Voters felt that they simply needed to know more about Cloud before casting their imaginary ballot for him. In short, voters asked, “Who is the real Cloud Strife?”

Similarly, Cloud’s history of mental illness raised insurmountable concerns for the majority of VGSA voters. Without warning, Cloud has succumbed to paralyzing flashbacks, and has even succumbed to the psychic control of Sephiroth. All of VGSA no doubt remembers the tragedy of the Black Materia Transfer scandal, where Cloud gave the Black Materia to Sephiroth (albeit once when it looked really cool), claiming to be a victim of some sort of mind control. This scandal, as we all know, contributed to Weapon proliferation and to the dreaded Meteor threat. Voters proved unwilling to trust someone who we know has given dangerous materials to megalomaniacal leaders in the past with the future of VGSA.

An ongoing concern however for the VGSA still remains with regard to Cloud’s defense credentials. As the Mario campaign reiterated, Cloud could not save us from Meteor alone. Rather, after he heroically defeated Sephiroth, it was only the magic of Aerith and the magical white-materia dealie that prevented Meteor from destroying the world. VGSAicans will have to wait and see if their future security will depend on the hope that Aerith and her magical white-materia lifestream spell thingy will show up in a crisis.


Squall Leonhart – Chief of Staff

Who better to manage the flow of information, negotiate with Congress, and uphold the interests of the President than a guy with a gigantic gunblade? Though he's not the most talkative character, Squall will definitely be more than capable of keeping order in the Mario administration.


Wario – Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency

Wario won this appointment because of his unique power to single-handedly clean up at least 85% of the entire VGSA environment, simply by agreeing to dietary changes to help prevent the further release of poison gas.


Merlon - Director of the Office of Management and Budget

As a psychic, Merlon from the Paper Mario series is best equipped to give expert advice to the Mario administration on any policy, management, legislative, regulatory, or budgetary matter.


Bowser - Director of the National Drug Control Policy

Bowser's hostility toward mushrooms makes him a perfect choice to continue the war on drugs.


Agitha - VGSA Trade Representative

While admittedly a little young for the job, Agitha did an excellent job of coordinating the golden bug trade in Twilight Princess, and has pledged to institute a similarly lucrative trading system for the VGSA.


Dr. Light – Chief Technology Officer

A position newly established by the Obama administration, Dr. Light’s extensive experience in creating complex robots should benefit future VGSA technological goals. Additionally, his close relationship with Mega Man, who will serve as Secretary of Energy, should create a beneficial synergy for the administration.


Crono – Secretary of State

As the VGSA’s chief foreign policy negotiator and adviser, Crono offers the unique ability to meet with not only present-day heads of state, but also past and future ones. This ability to transcend time should be an invaluable aid to present and future VGSA foreign policy. Additionally, his ability to bring frogs, robots, and Fiendlord wizards together for a common purpose should indicate that he will be uniquely situated to bring about peaceful relations throughout the VGSA.


Sonic the Hedgehog – Secretary of Treasury

Sonic's sound investment strategy, focused primarily on gold rings and emeralds, will provide a solid economic backbone for the future, while also providing a strong example for all VGSA citizens.


Link – Secretary of Defense

While undoubtedly qualified for several cabinet-level positions, Link’s command of swords, bows, boomerangs, bombs, bombchus, and hookshots, among other weapons, renders him best qualified to establish and maintain a broad-based national security strategy. He has also graciously agreed to provide the Treasury Secretary with access to his Giant Wallet to aid the troubled economy. (And, on an unrelated note, he makes an adorable cat.)


Phoenix Wright – Attorney General

A consensus pick to be the VGSA’s chief law enforcement officer, as he is one of the only characters who actually has a law degree.


Toad – Secretary of the Interior

Toad is an appropriate appointee for this position dealing with land management because he looks like a mushroom. He can identify with stuff that grows in the ground, which is a good thing.


Kirby – Secretary of Agriculture

Kirby’s voracious appetite should singlehandedly increase food demand throughout the VGSA, while his Cook ability should increase supply.


Edea – Secretary of Commerce

The formerly-possessed sorceress Edea will fulfill her duties to foster domestic and international business with a tried and true two-step method: magic and hotness. Granted however, that she and Squall, the Chief of Staff, can get along after this little tiff.


Hammer Bros. – Secretary of Labor

Hammer Bros. support for the United Hammer Workers’ Union and United Hammer Throwers Association signals clear support for an increase in infrastructure development, which should produce a much needed boost in jobs.


White Mage/White Wizard – Secretary of Health and Human Services

An obvious choice. Additionally, the white mage/white wizard’s unclear gender may signal a turn toward greater rights for VGSA LGBTs.


King of Coneria – Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

The unnamed King of Coneria from Final Fantasy I is the perfect choice to promote urban development. Just look at how quickly he got that bridge to the north built.


Star Fox – Secretary of Transportation

Narrowly edging out Captain Falcon for this position, Star Fox’s interstellar travel experience and ability to do a barrel roll should help the Mario administration plot a modern course for the future of VGSA transportation.


Mega Man – Secretary of Energy

While slighted by not being chosen for Secretary of Defense, Mega Man’s commitment to transform the VGSA to a megabuster-and-E-tank-based energy plan, could greatly increase energy efficiency, thereby enhancing President Mario’s green initiatives.


Mother Brain – Secretary of Education

Why? ‘Cause she’s a giant brain, that’s why.


Barrett – Secretary of Veterans Affairs

With a massive gun for an arm, few will doubt his dedication to alleviating the plight of the VGSA’s brave returning troops and Soldiers.


Thwomp – Secretary of Homeland Security

After careful debate, Thwomp’s “Open for a Few Seconds, then Smashie Smashie” border control policies, while considered extreme by many, were determined by President Mario to be more prudent than the “Shoot Straight in a Slow, Rhythmic Fashion” policies of Bullet Bill. To quiet naysayers, Thwomp also demonstrated his superior technique against Bullet Bill directly. Case closed on that one.


Richard R. said...

Lololol. I love the "Open for a Few Seconds, then Smashie Smashie" policy of the Thwomp.

Excellent post dude. I need to spend some time thinking about if there are better possible choices for each position.

Shawn R. said...

Yeah, the Thwomp pick was pretty clear. I was surprised that someone actually independently made that sprite show about a Thwomp versus a Bullet Bill also!

Many of the choices were very tough; I'm sure that are other viable candidates for each. The Agitha pick in particular could be subject to question.

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