A Football E-mail Conversation

The only unfortunate thing about being in Cairo is that I am missing a good chunk of the NFL playoffs. My roommate's family is awesome enough to have AFN, the military network, so if I wanted to, I could watch all of the games. However, Cairo is seven hours ahead of New York, so those 8 E.T. games start at 3AM here. Ouch.

For those people who have been watching the playoffs though, you must be sratching your heads at the improbable outcomes. Eagles beat the Vikings at Minnesota; the Cardinals pulled out a victory over the Falcons, and the Chargers (the supposed BEST team in the AFC according to ESPN even when they started out 3-5) beat Peyton Manning and the Colts. Seriously, this season makes no sense.


However, despite not being able to watch the games, my brother has been giving me e-mail updates... well more like rants. He also missed the Chargers game, since he had to go to a wedding. Here's how the conversation went down. My brother is hilarious when it comes to football.
---------------

My Brother: Monday night:

"So, it turns out that all of our first round playoff picks were wrong, with the exception of the Ravens game! Eagles beat Vikings; Ravens beat Dolphins; Cardinals beat Falcons; and Chargers beat Colts.

So, next weekend, Giants play Eagles (ouch . . .); Panthers play Cardinals; Titans play Ravens; and Steelers play Chargers. Our conference & super bowl picks mostly remain (absent the Colts), but our wacky worst case scenario picks are all fucked. We could conceivably have an Eagles-Chargers super bowl for crying out loud."

My Response: Monday Morning:

"I've been keeping track of the scores here in Cairo. I think my brain exploded when I woke up to find out that the Cardinals and Chargers both won in the same day. I expected ONE upset though, not three with the Eagles also beating the Vikings.

I was really happy when the Cardinals beat the Falcons though. That win meant the Giants were guaranteed to play either the Cards or the Eagles, both of which will be an easy game. Now if the Cards somehow beat the Panthers, the NFC championship game will be LOL for the Giants.

The NFL playoffs is confusing. Single elimination blows."

My Brother's Response: Tuesday Morning:

"Yeah seriously on the brain explosion. I feel like this will be the weekend that the world rights itself again though. I think the Eagles game will be tougher than we think though, as the two teams know each other well. That said, an underreported aspect of the Eagles game was that Westbrook only had about 35 yards on the ground; his total yardage was overflated due to the ridiculous 72 yards he gained on a screen pass . . . A FUCKING SCREEN PASS. I mean look, if the Vikes aren't going to bother to contain a basic screen pass, the game's just not fair.

For the Ravens, I hope you got a chance to see some of the highlights. One in particular was a VICIOUS Bart Scott hit on Pennington a split-second after he released the ball in fear--Pennington was positively propelled backwards, as if he had been hit by a giant flat wall over his entire body rather than being tackled by another person. Reminded me of sci-fi movies where a guy gets hit by a concussion blast and his whole body flies straight backwards. Pennington crumpled to the floor like a broken man. And throws that led to those record 4 interceptions were epic. They were definitely the "bombs" we imagined, only they were bombed vertically instead of horizontally, and into double coverage at that.

Missed the Cards and Chargers' games for the most part. Ryan fell apart for the Falcons, and the Cards--for the first time all season--both ran the ball and stopped the run. The Chargers game was apparently the greatest game of the entire weekend, and I was at the fucking wedding for all of it. I got back to the hotel room in time to see Rivers being interviewed, and to hear the announcers do a recap--insane lead changes, great back and forth, and overtime--an overtime where the Colts defense just imploded in a way I haven't seen in a long time. Just retarded penalties (a crippling face mask, a holding call, a pass interference call, etc.) that let the Chargers march up the field.

And I'm not even talking about Darren Sproles. If you could have told me that the Colts would contain LDT (fuckin' nickname), knock him out of the game, and still lose, I would have laughed at you. And if you would have told me that Darren My-Name-Makes-Me-Sound-A-Little-Bit-Like-I-Should-Have-Been-A-Character-On-The-Jetsons Sproles would have 328 combined yards and would be the difference-maker, I would have left the room and sought help for you.

This last bit worries me. Could mean that the mighty Kurt Warner could have a 450-yard passing game this weekend. Could mean that David Tyree makes a catch with his jockstrap this time. Could mean that Vince Young makes a miraculous return in Tennessee as a middle linebacker, and has 7 sacks. In the immortal words of Kevin Garnett after the Celtics won the NBA championship last year, "ANYTHING IS POSSIBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"."
-----------------

Yeah, we're like this all time. Especially when it somes to sports.

How to get an Olympic medal

The Olympics are great, and you are no doubt feeling some level of Olympic fever. The games can be very motivating, and people will push themselves to start lifting weights (assuming they haven't seen the Hungarian), running, or swimming. Some may take this motivation one step further and decide they want to be an Olympian. The ultimate goal of every Olympian is to win a medal (preferably a pretty gold color) for themselves and their country. I have outlined some options for you below, on how to get an Olympic medal.



1. Buy one
This may not be the most satisfying method, but spending money is always an option. This article tells us that a gold medal is worth about $220 in terms of the metals it contains. (No, it's not 100% gold.) Creating the medal isn't free, so let's round it up to $400 or so. You probably won't be able to buy one at this price, an athlete might want a tad more for their trouble. Otylia Jedrzejczak sold her 2004 gold medal for $82,500 to raise money for charity. A silver or bronze medal would probably be cheaper, but if you're going to shell out that sort of cash, you might as well go for the gold, so to speak.

2. Steal one
Israel's only gold medal in Olympic history (ouch), won by Gal Fridman in 2004 was stolen (double ouch) from a safe in his home, along with his bronze medal. It was eventually found by a little girl in the forest, and returned to him. He's probably more careful with it now, so you might want to target someone else.

3. Find one
To utilize this method, you should attend the medal ceremonies held after Olympic events. Pay close attention to the floor, medals have been known to be found there. Sweden's left his bronze medal on the ground out of disappointment. (Link contains video.) Don't feel bad, they took it away from him for showing poor sportsmanship, so you're not really stealing it. Nonetheless, it will be hard to not draw attention to yourself since these events are broadcast to millions of viewers worldwide, but it's just lying there for the taking. This method probably won't get you a gold medal, as few athletes will throw a gold medal onto the ground out of disgust for not winning a non-existent platinum or diamond medal.



4. Win one
This is unarguably the most honorable, satisfying and difficult method listed on this page. Since this is most likely your preferred method, I will give some pro-tips on how to make your medal-winning experience easier. Only the Summer Olympic games will be discussed, as they are on everyone's mind. The Winter Olympics are much more awesome, but we'll talk about them in two years or so.

4a. Don't cheat
The Olympic games are kind of a big deal, and people really want to win medals. Some jerks will take this desire too far, and will cheat. John Candy put weights into his bobsled, and many athletes are caught doping (taking performance enhancing drugs, steroids, e.g.) every year. Don't try doping your horse, they check for that too. As science progresses, we get better and better at detecting these things. To be on the safe side, you shouldn't listen to music either.



4b. Choose a team sport
Why try for a medal alone when you can have your team do the work for you. In fact, in some events (swimming relays, e.g.), if you participate in the qualifying heats, but don't race in the medal event itself, you can still get a medal! This method will get you less fame, since your team/country gets more glory, and your name is spoken less than it would be had you won it alone, but we're only talking about how to get a medal here.

4c. Pick an obscure sport
You want a gold medal in some swimming event? So does the rest of the world. How about sprinting? Everyone can run, and most likely faster than you. In order to maximize your odds of getting a medal, choose a sport where fewer people compete. The last time Polo was played, only five nations competed. Unfortunately, it hasn't been an Olympic sport in 72 years, so try your luck with something else. I recommend a 'rich people sport' like sailing, shooting, or something with horses.

4d. Win a 'demonstration' medal
Are the Olympics in your country this year? Do you play an obscure sport that most countries don't? Great! Before a sport is officially introduced to the Olympics, it is introduced as a demonstration sport. Some examples are ballooning, lifesaving, Finnish baseball, and Basque Pelota. If you didn't know those were Olympic events, it's because they are no longer. The only issue with this is that technically, the medals are smaller (physically) than the non-demonstration sport medals, and they're not included in the official medal count, but there are just technicalities.

So there you have it, now you know how to get an Olympic medal. If you win a medal, be sure to credit me as your inspiration. If you steal one, please don't.

Photo: Flickr
Photo: Flickr
Photo: Flickr

Godspeed.

Olympics: Basketball and Phelps

I love watching the Olympics as I get to watch sports that I would never find anyplace else. Right now, as I write, I’m checking out the USA-China water polo game. This morning, I also caught the USA-China basketball game, where the USA’s so-called “Redeem Team” crushed China 101-70.

Seeing that score, you would think that the USA team dominated the game on every level. That could not be farther from the truth however. China, especially early on in the game, was raining down three’s. The USA’s perimeter defense was just awful. It felt as though everyone on the Chinese starting five was consistently hitting from outside the arc (even Yao Ming dropped one) in the first half and nearing the close of the second half, the game was tied.

Photo: Getty Images

However, clearly the saving grace of the USA team was Lebron James. He had three huge blocks in the game, one including when he grabbed Liu Wei’s lay-up attempt in mid-air. Lebron James was simply a defensive mastermind in this game as the man he was holding, Yi Jianlian, went four-for-thirteen shooting.

Offensively, Dwayne Wade was the star, as he did not miss a shot the entire game. He was 7-for-7 shooting and perfect from the free throw line. However, his teammates did not follow in his example in regards to foul shooting. The USA team went 18-for-25 from the free throw line, which in this Olympics, is just unacceptable. The USA team also could not hit their three’s, going 7-for-24 in the game. China is not the biggest test for the USA team either, and had they played this sloppy against Spain or Greece, the result might be different.

I can’t have a post about the Olympics without talking about what swimmer Michael Phelps did last night. Phelps is going for a mind-boggling eight gold medals, and he got the first one last night in the 400m Individual Medley. He didn’t just get the gold medal in this event; he also broke another world record, posting a time of 4 minutes 3.84 seconds. The previous record was 4 minutes 5.24 seconds, also set by Michael Phelps.

Photo: Getty Images

Seriously, this guy is just insane. Every stroke he has looks perfect; he never breathes at the wrong time and his entries into the water are just flawless. The NBC announcer said that his weak point may be the breaststroke, and that might be when other swimmers could catch up to him. Upon watching the competition however, he was gaining more ground on the competitors during that leg of the race. He simply looked unstoppable.

I don’t know if he has the stamina to get eight gold medals but no one in the Olympics has shown that they are even close to his swimming ability. Watch for Phelps on Wednesday though, as he has to do three events in one day, one of which includes the 4 x 200 freestyle relay, which will test the USA swim team altogether.